Before you think I spelled my morning beverage of choice wrong let me explain that Coughie is actually one of my nicknames and I blame my mother. You see Babs, she has chronic bronchitis and coughs and coughs and coughs all year long. It annoys the sh*t out of my father, it helps us locate her in stores (if you wait long enough you can hear her cough two aisles over in Target), and I swear its the reason that whenever I get a cough I GET A COUGH. Like a hack up a lung, restless sleep, annoy the crap out of my co-workers cough. Back in the 6th grade during a particularly bad coughing session my friend Margaret proclaimed in my spanish class that my new name was Coughie (or Coffee) and proceeded to write it on the envelope of all my birthday cards for the next 15 years .
Me & Margaret at a time where I wasn’t coughing.
A little over a week ago it started with a tickle in my throat and by the weekend it was a full blown cough, on Tuesday people at work were demanding I go get myself checked out. Being as I get this cough EVERY YEAR if not more than once EVERY YEAR, I proceeded to treat it as I normally would – ignoring it and buying a week supply of Ricola and then got a little fancy and enlisted some Vick’s Vapor Rub for that pungent menthol smell to clear my chest. I’m happy to report that a week later its nearrrrrly gone and I am only mildly annoying my co-workers with the occasional cough.
Why did I spend all of this time telling you about my cough? Well its because my cough is to blame for why I hadn’t posted Joe’s thought on the Ebola Virus that he wrote last week, so without further ado it’s Joe’s second blog post:
If, on your W-2 tax form, you list as your primary residence, the bloodstream of an African Zuzu monkey – by that fact alone, you could be ID’ed as the Ebola Virus – Dana Carvey Saturday Night Live
Alright, I’m assuming everyone by now has seen the news about the Ebola Virus outbreak in Africa and the two infected Americans that our government brought back to the states for treatment. If you haven’t, WHAT ROCK ARE YOU LIVING UNDER! If you do know what I am talking about, I’d like you to know I recognize my post is a little late, but I was avoiding Kath like the plague because of that cough she mentioned above so I couldn’t force her arm in publishing this thing. Am I alone in wondering why in the hell did they allow these people back on our soil? I mean c’mon, can’t the government put these people on some kind of ship or something in the middle of the ocean where they can be treated without putting the rest of the population at risk? Does the government really have to fly them to a hospital in a major U.S. city for treatment? When is Cuba Gooding, Jr. going to get off his ass and help us? And where the hell is Dustin Hoffman in all of this? We all know he’s the only one who can save us. You can’t sit here and honestly tell me that these politicians have never seen the movie Outbreak, or Contagion even. Maybe that’s the problem, these politicians have no idea who Dustin Hoffman even is…. if this is the case then we are in deep shit my friends. Quick, someone send a DVD of Hook to the White House ASAP.
Anyways, this is some serious shit we’re talking about and all I hear on the news is “We (America) have the best containment facilities in the world to deal with this disease” and blah blah blah .. Then in the same sentence that same “expert” says “but we have never tested these containment facilities against the Ebola Virus”…dude are you serious?? Listen, I realize these people can be considered “heroes” for trying to save lives and help the infected, but that doesn’t mean you have to put MY life in danger by bringing them home, right? Why did that lady have to volunteer to go over to Africa and try to help the infected people in the first place? Can’t she just donate $1 to the Jimmy Fund like I did at burger King last week and call it even? – Disclaimer, I’m not making fun of the Jimmy Fund so stop rolling your eyes at me.
I’m just gonna make a few general assumptions about this lady based on her recent activities and the picture below: her and her husband live in Utah, they have 8 kids and 15 grandkids (and they live next door), and in her spare time she rides horses, volunteers at her local church, and is the stunt double for that guy on the E-Harmony commercials- if not she should be, the resemblance is uncanny-
We as a country have been through too much shit already these past few years with a continuing recession, stagnant economy, war, and the list goes on. We don’t need to add a f-ing pandemic to the mix, right? I mean, if I want to bleed out of my mouth, eyes, and ass and die a horrible death I’ll just eat lunch at Chipotle for a week.
So, if nobody sees or hears from me for a few weeks it’s most likely because at least one of these scenarios has happened;
1) I’m fortifying my apartment and turning it into a military-style bunker
2) Stocking up on hand sanitizer and latex gloves at CVS
3) Practicing my doomsday prepping skills with a crazy hillbilly family from Alabama
4) I died from the Ebola Virus…
Are you as worried about the Ebola Virus as Joe? (I’m not!)
Would you read Joe’s rants on a weekly basis if he started his own blog? (Leave him some encouraging comments if the answer is yes!)